Hi, my name's Brandon and I'm an alcoholic.

Started a new writing class tonight. Assignment #1 was to describe yourself and what you hope to accomplish with this course. I expect a "see me after class" note.



1. Sure, why not include the most uncomfortable part of a job interview, or first date as the introduction to the class. My only recent experience describing myself is from an online dating profile, so I'll try not to sell myself too much. I'm a 37 year old man(soon to be 38), with all my own hair and teeth, plus an extra snaggletooth, so I'm at that perfect middle ground where the 20 year old women call me "the creepy old guy", and the 40+ women call me "a catch". I'm a small business owner. Never married, and my Fathers Days are spent celebrating that I don't have any paternal responsibilities tying me to any crazy ex-girlfriends. I'm not actually an alcoholic, but whenever someone says "tell me a little about yourself", I immediately picture standing up from a metal folding chair, addressing a lopsided circle of chain smoking single mothers, and unkempt court ordered men, explaining why I am where I am at this point in my life, except with online classes we don't even get the free doughnuts. My therapist would say I use humor and judgement as coping mechanisms for my coming-of-middle-age-life-crisis, but really I'm just a recovering cynic. My 3 favorite things are Cinnamon Gummy Bears, brunettes, and people watching in silent contempt. Okay, maybe not silent, but under my breath. Okay, maybe not under my breath, but just out loud to close friends. It's comforting knowing I won't be lonely in hell.

2. I've wanted to write something of substance for the last few years. I take writing courses online whenever I get a chance, but I'm that full time construction worker you talked about in Chapter 1, so it's been a while and I wanted a refresher course. I hope this course inspires me to become a better liar on paper.